The perils of perfectionism.
7 min read
On perfectionism and how to be happier through spotting it and embracing a kinder and more natural approach that celebrates experimentation. Referencing The Chimp Paradox, Positive Psychology, Wabi-sabi, Agile Fail Early, Fast & Often, & NLP - with an Edna St. Vincent Millay poem.
A Perfect interview answer
It is the question posed at most interviews: 'What is your worst fault?' and the practiced answer is to provide a carefully rehearsed flaw or trait that you have selected because it can be turned into a positive easily. The purpose of the query is so that the interviewer can assess whether you are self-aware.
My quippy answer was that sometimes I could be a bit too of a much of a perfectionist. Such a beguiling answer. Even the ‘sometimes’ and the 'bit' soften the blow. Then you can reflect that the trait has taught you that the finessing you can 'sometimes' get caught up in is rarely served well by burning midnight oil and obsessing about details. So you now adopt an 80:20 rule - good enough for the purposes and add frills when a next iteration is required. The numbers make it clear you are precise but pragmatic and the answer shows you are self-aware enough to learn from personal reflection.
You would get a tick on your interview score sheet for this answer and prove you know the common interview volleys and lobs with some savoir faire.
Highway to Hell
One of the biggest revelations for me during my NLP and positive psychology studies has been to learn more about the perils of perfectionism. I knew it was obsessive and unhealthy but insight into the invidiousness and reach of perfectionist traits in behaviour patterns was like a clarion call to me.
I grew up through the debates about women having it all and seeing the increasing pressures that the objectification of ideal female beauty has had on generations of women as the media exponentially proliferates it. Men have that too now. But the airbrushing is fake and the fixation with celebrity culture has unhealthy consequences. An anorexic child has an illness that is exacerbated by stereotypes in the media. Fortunately there are now welcome patches where alternative and more individual takes on beauty and ideals are promulgated.
The rejoinder from those who cling onto the benefits of perfectionism is to defend the goal of striving for the ideal as edifying - and they will cite perfect art, inventions etc. See the Alvar Aalto Wave vase in the photo above – perfect form to some. When art is created that is so beautiful we exalt it and call it divine.
Perfect form fascinated the ancients and Euclid showed that it is impossible to draw the perfect circle - due to infinite points on the arc. The impossibility of perfection is akin to that hard question of possibility and infinity. The arc of the perfect circle is like chasing eternity.
Of course genius and expertise are distinct from perfectionism. Studies of genius and creativity are very worthwhile when learning about how to do things well. Putting genuine effort into learning to do things well or becoming an expert are estimable aims and all learning methods encourage excellence.
However never thinking anything is perfect is the highway to hell in terms of behaviour patterns. It is honestly top of the list to notice and stop when it comes to considering how we want to feel balanced and live with contentment.
Ishfahan Carpets
So, carpet makers - who although they may be masters and possibly even Persian carpet makers working on the finest silk Tabriz and Isfahan carpets - always include a small mistake in their carpets. This is because they are mere mortals and thus imperfect and only Allah can be perfect - so they put a tiny speck into each creation.
One cannot argue with their humanity but is it really true that we must accept imperfection? Is it wise to accept our weaknesses?
The themes that began in imago dei evolved into in imago rex to in homines and the notion that we should strive to be perfect has been well-entrenched through cultures. Pope's phrase ‘To err is human; to forgive, divine’ came from the notions of ideal Christian behaviours and attaining grace through virtue.
If you are reading this then likely you are human – or hello bot ;o). As such you are a unique individual but at base genus sub species. To be human is to be imperfect - it’s our natural condition. All of us with our own Achilles heel as a mark of mortality whatever Thetis's intentions might have been.
Kindsight
In life we make better friends with people who display vulnerability because they trusted us with it - whereas the perfect person will prompt our inner critics too much and we tend to avoid the comparison. Interestingly in stories we love our heroes and heroines flawed precisely because we can relate to them - see Joseph Campbell on the Hero's Journey. We know how flawed we are and ultimately it's our flaws that make us human.
Part of every story includes some plot twists and things looking like they won't turn out - overcoming failures and challenges is exciting and inspiring.
We put ourselves through endless hoops seeking perfection. In order to get what we want we must do x - it’s a conditional gating of every present moment. And then when we fail we really beat ourselves up about it.
But – newsflash! – the Categorical Imperative went out with Kant. There is no “must be”, “should” or “ought” when it comes to your happiness and accepting that you are imperfectly human and that is OK.
The worst serious consequence of perfectionism is that people who want things to be otherwise can judge themselves & their situation to be so imperfect they kill themselves. This is an extreme corollary but most of us are ridiculously harsh on ourselves and we judge ourselves more harshly than we do others. Feeling failures, listening to an OCD recording of terrible perfectionist loops. What we want is kindsight and to let that in we need to be in a mindset that is open to new options.
Embracing experimentation
Embracing mistakes and experimenting is hugely positive - famous inventors like Edison are the folklore of persistence and overcoming the odds. The 999 failures before the one that works were experiments that all led to the eventual successful invention.
“Fail fast, fail early and often,” is an Agile software tenet. It makes sense since in the software development world it’s increasingly expensive to fix code once it’s further along in its lifecycle. So the idea is that you create mock-up prototypes to validate the product all from user design personas and then build iteration in. It doesn't advocate failure - it encourages fast cycles by using the flexibility of a test and see approach with a minimal amount of effort for that maturity of product - with user validation built in. Its easy to see why you can get a better product this way.
Failure really is the Holy Grail.
The Black Swan
You might say that the natural world is beautiful and refer to fractals in an unfurling fern or the glory of a mountain range – and cite these as perfect. But nature does not possess straight lines.
Our appreciation of ourselves as a genus sub species existing in nature is more helpful. The evolution from chimp and how our inner chimps still add survival chatter that feeds our neurology into fear patterns is hardwired in our neural pathways. We are really just like the poor cats in the cruel internet meme with the cucumber.
Our survival instincts are the base of our desire to be perfect – because we compare ourselves to the tribe in order to access the deep human need to belong. The things we do to get acceptance and belong can become beliefs – if I do this then.
We are controlled by the way our neurology packages our experiences up and our bodies’ natural process of energy conservation means we re-run the most familiar patterns.
Turn chimp to champ
What we want to do is turn the chimp into champ. We can let the chimp have 90 seconds as Steve Peters recommends but then embracing the curve, the natural flow or squiggle is the thing that is the essence of being alive and you. Being an accepting human is to embrace the imperfections of yourself - decide what you like even if others criticise it - be uniquely you.
In order to do this we must question perfectionism where it shows up. Edna St. Vincent Millay sums this up beautifully in her poem: Inert Perfection.
“Inert Perfection, let me chip your shell.
You cannot break it through with that soft beak.
What if you broke it never, and it befell
You should not issue thence, should never speak?”
In the Lightning Process (a mind body training program that focuses on switching patterns around repeated behaviours that are neurologically entrenched and result in ‘stuckness’) there is a concept of the pit. The pit is anything not life-enhancing. Anything that is not useful or helpful. Perfectionism is always going to be in the pit or take us there so we want to check it. It’s worth being persistent on this inner critic or judge.
So – please notice yourself when you are setting impossible standards for yourself and others – it is a huge step towards a kinder life and world.
As Nelson Mandela said:
“Do not judge me by my successes, judge me by how many times I fell down and got back up again.”
I leave you with the suggestion that you pick one of these three things that are fun explorations or celebrations of imperfection:
1. Google Wabi-sabi:
the Japanese world view centred on the acceptance of transience and imperfection.
2. Start a new hobby:
creative play promotes flow and not having to be good just being at the beginners stage is mentally refreshing.
3. Explore the artistic representation of ruins in Renaissance painting:
where the ruins of classical civilisation became symbols of enlightenment and repositories of lost knowledge.
Thanks for reading this long-delayed blog - somehow it took longer than usual as I finessed it ;o)
Love & light
