My story of post-traumatic growth.

Post-traumatic growth is a real subject du jour as individuals and communities talk more openly about mental health and how it has been buffeted by the pandemic. It is defined as “the experience of positive change that occurs as a result of the struggle with highly challenging life crises” and was identified by Richard G. Tedeschi and Lawrence Calhoun in 1996. Of course - as they recognised - the name was new but the idea that great good can come from great suffering is ancient.

My personal story of post-traumatic growth begins by rolling back to Christmas 2016 - I had just recovered from a bout of bronchitis and I was in Chatsworth house.  I had always wanted to go - fascinated by the Mitford sisters and eager to see the gorgeous architecture and the paintings. Historic houses in UK are prone to create Christmas experiences - these are usually joyous and to see beautiful entrance halls and ballrooms festooned with greenery and twinkling lights should have you singing Frank Sinatra songs and buying roast chestnuts.

Moi? Non.   

Naturally there were lots of kids having a wonderful time but somehow their excited sounds of joy were unnaturally distorted and magnified so as to be absolutely excruciating for me. The shine of the lights and decorations hurt my eyes. The tinsel and the sugar plum fairy hung over the staircase all jarred. The Christmas experience trail meant that they had reconfigured the route through the house and many of the rooms were closed.

I was disappointed and obviously I had totally lost my sense of humour. Bah humbug indeed.

My gentle & invariably uncritical companion called me 'hard work' - as I complained through the champagne tea afterwards that he had booked as a special treat. That night we had a quiet pub meal and I woke at about 3 a.m. to be violently ill.

I did not know that from that point onwards I would be seriously ill for 10 long months.

My professional backdrop to this tale of a visit to one of the most beautiful Great Houses was that I was running a large IT programme for a Public Sector client. I was loving a return to pure Programme Director mode after a spate of management roles and the team was fabulous. It was a complex enterprise IT programme fraught with problems but I was in my element.

I cancelled my new year plans over the holiday as I felt sub-par - but the rest seemed restorative. I went back to work in the New Year and suddenly I got lead in my boots.

I was profoundly exhausted in a way that scared me.

Just holding my head up straight was an enormous physical effort.

I had a good GP who ran a gamut of tests which all came back negative. I would go to work and force myself to put one foot in front of the other. I was actually most concentrated on not passing out - although the fluent words about strategy and improvement kept flowing and I was making progress with the programme. The team complimented me on my energy.

When I could I would lie down.

If there were calls when I was in the office that I could possibly take alone without the team I would book an office and literally lie on the floor to run the meetings. My commute was a challenge and I would need a taxi to cover a walking distance of a few hundred yards.  

I would return from work and go to bed almost immediately but my brain was completely wired and I could not sleep. Every weekend was spent in bed. I did whatever I could to have enough power in my battery for the next day at work.

I would have to sit in the shower as I couldn't stand up.

I thought I could push through.

I got a few bad colds - one of the legal team on the programme suggested I get a new butcher. Ha! I have always been into healthy nutrition and was really looking after myself. I would join conference calls from my bed - being vertical was agony as I was so exhausted.  Further medical tests continued to be negative - which was great but did not offer any solution.  

I was bewildered and fighting but eventually I had no alternative and my long sick leave began.

My GP diagnosed me with Post Viral Fatigue on the basis of the history of bronchitis. After 6 months of symptoms that diagnosis became Chronic Fatigue syndrome/ME.

The World Health Organization only relatively recently recognised CFS/ME as a physiological illness. Prior to that it was derided as yuppie flue and something psychological. It is an understatement to say that there is controversy about treatment paths as the causes can be varied and are not properly understood.

The NICE guidelines in UK are predicated around management of the condition and recommend Pacing and CBT, there is no medical 'cure' per se. There is much dispute regarding the efficacy of these approaches.

I am a notoriously positive individual with a good awareness about my body but my GP could do nothing once all the tests were negative. I was completely perplexed and actually needed a wheelchair for long distances as I was so weak.

I did not give up. I would lie on my bed in the dark and tell the universe - "you may think you have me licked but this isn't my story - this isn't what I am doing - I will find a way."

After 9 months off work - living a tiny life and measuring out my energy with teaspoons it was incredibly hard to keep that determination up. My pay was about to be stopped and I was very stressed about finances.

I followed dramatic naturopathic diets and paid a lot to test my mitochondria - nothing helped or made a difference. I followed medical trials in Norway and the Continent. Whilst I did all this the irony is that I looked fine and even very healthy as long as I did virtually nothing - but the sickness of ME is invidiously invisible.

One day I heard about the results of a research project on BBC Radio 4. It was focused on teenagers doing something called the Lightning Process and was run by the Bristol NHS ME treatment center. The results sounded positive and despite my doubts, it was another possible path that might have a chance of recovery - so I took that path.

For me the way out was the Lightning Process.

I got instant change.

It was like a switch being flicked.

I went back to work days after finishing the course.  I was on cloud nine.

I have not looked back and since live my life fully. I have been healthy ever since.

I still could not believe at that stage that a training course - albeit one I worked really hard at - could have done this. I wanted to know more about it.

This curiosity led me to attend a course led by Phil Parker who is the creator of the Lightning Process.  It was a two-day course called Life Skills. I was utterly British when I met him and managed not to throw my arms around him in thanks. The course was so intriguing and introduced me a whole world of research and ideas that promote well-being.

I went on to study and acquire a Clinical Diploma in NLP, Hypnotherapy and Coaching. I got my NLP Masters and then even qualified as a Lightning Process Practitioner. This has involved a lot of study and exams to bring me full-circle in understanding the way such transformations can occur. During this training I was working full-time and enjoying my job running a portfolio of IT Transformation programmes as well as leading a large team.

Roll forwards to 2021 and I have now established my coaching and change practice in Centifolia so that I can share these transformative skills with others.

So for me - I 100% know that post-traumatic growth is very real and possible. Returning to the words of Tedeschi & Calhoun who coined the exact term is insightful. Tedeschi explained that it is not “just bouncing back…most people talk about that as resilience. We distinguish from resilience because this is transformative”. Calhoun adds “The one thing that overwhelmingly predicts it is the extent to which you say: ‘My core beliefs were shaken’. “.

The crises we have in life are challenges and can lead us to completely new beliefs and experiences. So that, as awful and tragic as the original events are, we can end up grateful for them and redefine them as catalysts.

That’s my story about post-traumatic growth - of course there are more severe traumas than mine but it is remarkable how the same results can still happen. I am incredibly proud of myself for trying something new. It is a truism often quoted that to get a different result you have to do something different. It took courage and vulnerability to lead me to where I am now but I am so glad I had the chance and took it.

Thanks for reading.  

With love and light